Hump week (8w;1d)

I have a friend that introduced me to 'hump' day about 12 months ago. I remember almost choking on my sandwich when she told me over the phone, thinking her dirty mind was up to something. "No" she said. "Hump day is today (Wednesday). It's the hump in the week that you just need to get over, and then it's all downhill from there".

And you know... she's right. I now worship hump day and it's amazing how faster the week feels when you celebrate it!

And that's how I'm feeling at the moment too. Week eight is hump week. It's the week when your chance of miscarriage starts to significantly decrease so I've decided to just try and get through these next two weeks before my scan (providing the bleeding and cramping etc doesn't get really bad) and wait it out. Given all of the complications that I've had, it would be so easy to give in and have a scan, but I have to keep reminding myself it won't change anything, and won't help.

On the upside, the bleeding has stopped (I won't say for now, as I hope it won't ever happen again!). Cramping is still there, but that I can live with. My baby is a fighter and putting up with all of the curve balls my body (as fucked up as it is) is trying to throw at it.

So, I'm soldiering on - living each day as it comes, and giving my body as much rest as I can when I'm at home (any excuse to lay all over the couch and not lift a finger, or at least, that's what DH likes to think). God he's been amazing though. He will do anything, without question, if he knows slightly it will help. He's so attentive and wonderful, and is never dismissive of my feelings no matter how irrational I can feel at this crucial stage. I must admit that with the complications I've had I feel like I'm letting him down in stages. He tells me to stop being ridiculous, but it's true. I know I can't really do anything about it but it doesn't stop you feeling that way I guess. But what an angel - my absolute shining star. I am so blessed to be able to be the mother of his future child - and I know the journey we've travelled together to get here (ongoing that it is) will only make the end result that much sweeter.

Reality Bites (7w;6d)

I found out today a girl who was due around the same time as me, and who had also experienced similar bleeding to me miscarried a week ago, but she didn't realise.

As soon as I found out, I felt sick to my stomach. You can't help in situations like that but to compare their situation to yours. I instantly felt compelled to pick up the phone and book in for another u/s before my 10 week scan, just to make sure everything was ok. With my round of red bleeding again (this girl had none) I just didn't feel confident. Then again, I thought even if things are ok - it still won't stop me worrying the second I leave from the scan, so would it really make a difference?

I'm so confused by all of this - I wish someone would just tell me what to do. DH asked the other day if I could magically be transported 7 months into the future and 'miss' the pregnancy stage, would I do it. I told him I would in a heartbeat, and had no hesitation on 'missing' what it was like being pregnant. I wouldn't wish this uncertainty and emotional pain on anyone - so why would I want to continue to go through this for another 7 months if I didn't have to?

Anyway, I digress.

I'm still unsure of whether or not to have another scan. On the one hand, I don't want to expose myself to unnecessary u/s that may be harmful to the baby, especially at this early stage. On the other hand, if there is something wrong, do I really want to sit here for the next two weeks thinking I'm pregnant when in reality, I would have already lost the baby? God, I can't even think about it it makes me want to vomit, I can't bring myself to accept that. And by not having the scan, then I just don't know - so then I can continue to wish and pray and hope that everything will be ok. Denial? Maybe. Trying to delay potential pain? Probably. But one way or the other, it isn't going to change anything, so I guess we'll wait and see...

Mixed emotions (7w;5d)

Yesterday we had a wonderful day at home. It was DH's birthday on Thursday and I had organised a small surprise get together at home for him. Most people turned up which was lovely (although you always have the few that don't!) and he had a wonderful time. It was so nice seeing him so happy, and with everyone there to share the day with him.

Saturday I started cleaning the house for the event, but took a turn for the worst. I don't know if it was the vigorous cleaning that did it, but I started to spot again. Just brown spotting, and only when I wiped (like at the beginning) but I was petrified. After DH left for work, I rang mum in tears and she and dad came over to help me finish the clean while DH was at work. I was so grateful and appreciative of their help.

I thought the rest would do me good, but again - I think Sunday was too much for me, as this morning when I woke up I had more bleeding - this time bright, red new blood - no more brown spotting. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I know we had the scan last time and everything was ok, and Dr said he didn't know what was causing the bleeding last time. I'm still cramping as well, which led Dr to believe that the bleeding might have been caused because my uterus was irritated by the pregnancy. God, I'm so scared... I'm here at work because I have to be here today - well, really I can't afford to take any time off but I just don't know that it's best I'm here. I really should be in bed and resting... I just don't know what to do. Please, let everything be ok. I don't think I can bare this. Every day I feel like I'm treading on eggshells and I don't know what to do about it...

7 weeks today (7w)

Another week down, and it feels good to be here.

The cramping is still going on, sometimes quite badly, but I know it's just one of those pregnancy symptoms I'm going to have to put up with. "Irritated uterus" my Dr said, so it's just something I need to be mindful of and watch carefully as my uterus may be 'irritated' by the pregnancy and the cramping is a symptom of it wanting to expel the baby (yay... terrific).

It's DH's birthday tomorrow... he's turning 40 (old man!). I've organised a surprise get together with some close friends and family on Sunday at our place in the afternoon. Very informal, but I think he'll enjoy it (at least I hope he will!)

I guess I would love to use that opportunity to tell everyone that we're having a baby, but we're not (well, I'm certainly not) ready to do that yet. I need to take comfort that given the effort it's taken to get here, and the early complications we've had, I just don't want to take any chances. That's ok...isn't it?? Anyway, only 5 weeks in the scheme of things is not that long, and although I am aware there are no guarantees after 12 weeks either, given the percentage is dramatically reduced, I want people to be a part of this journey with us at that time. I hope they fly by!!

Breathe... (6w;5d)

I don't even know where to begin.

Thursday night I went to my GP and had a blood test. I was feeling relatively ok. My bleeding had virtually subsided and I had the occassional cramping but nothing out of the ordinary.

I went home that night, had some dinner, got ready for bed, had my obligatory loo stop before getting into bed... and nearly collapsed right there on the floor. I was bleeding so heavily, and with such bright red blood I thought I had my period. I had to stop for a moment and remember, no - wait, I'm pregnant - this is not right. I kept trying to wipe away the blood thinking it was a bad dream, but it just wouldn't stop. I don't even know what happened next - next thing I knew I was in bed and bawling my eyes out to DH over the phone who was at work.

"I think I'm miscarrying" I sobbed to him. He instantly said he would come home so he could be with me, but whilst I felt so lonely I just didn't want him there. He told me later how absolutely helpless he felt, and that he'd never ever felt that way before. He didn't know what to think, do or say, and I guess in a way neither did I.

Friday morning I woke (well, as much as you can wake from not sleeping all night) to check the bleeding, and this time was met with much more heavy bleeding, dark red blood, and some clots. I was devastated. I just sank to the bathroom floor and cried and cried and cried. DH came in as soon as he heard me and we just sat there crying together for over half an hour. We didn't say anything to each other - we both were feeling the same way. Neither of us could put into any words how we felt. DH wanted me to stay home, but I knew I had to go to work. I just couldn't stay home, I would have driven myself insane. Of course, once I got to work it wasn't much better and I wondered why I had come in at all. The bleeding did ease though over the day, and by the evening, I was still bleeding, but it was now back to old 'brown' blood.

My Dr called me that afternoon with my HCG results. They were 15,607 - but had been taken before the heavy bleeding began so when I asked her about this, she said the only way we could make anything of it was to test again. I declined - no test would change what would happen one way or another, and I was due for my scan on Monday so I elected to leave it.

The weekend was long... very long. I spent most of it in bed trying to rest as much as possible. The bleeding did slow down which was good, and I'm sure the rest had a lot to do with it. I was met with excrutiating stomach pains last night and spent a lot of it on the loo; I had virtually given up home that there was any point to the scan today. I had prepared myself for the worst.

When twelve o'clock finally ticked around (and watching every second go by does not help pass the time), we saw my Dr. He was not happy about the bleeding, but said the only way to know what was going on was to scan - so we did... and there was our bubba! Yolk sack was there, and so was it's tiny tiny little heart beating away... I couldn't believe it. I broke down with tears streaming down my face and couldn't stop. Dr estimated around 150bpm but that was just his guess. Dr printed off a picture of the scan for us. DH was absolutely overjoyed and could not stop smiling. He grasped onto the photo with both hands and wouldn't stop staring at it for the rest of our appointment. I don't think he believed it any more than I did - we were both convinced we had lost the baby. We have a little fighter on our hands!



On the bleeding front, he has no idea why I am bleeding. I don't have any obvious signs as to why it's happening, no uterine clots etc so he said just to take it easy (as with everything, there are no guarantees) and just have to wait again until I see my OB at 10 weeks.

I never thought the baby would have survived with the amount of blood I lost but I guess I have to keep reminding myself... this is a miracle, one of which I have no control over from here on in - I'm merely a spectator.

ARGH! (6 weeks)

Woke up this morning to another round of spotting. I was devastated. I'm lucky in that it doesn't appear to still be there now (at work) so fingers crossed it was just a tiny bit and I won't see any more of it.

I've been consciously trying to think towards Monday - I've been talking to the baby, rubbing my tummy and even DH has moved in on the game and said 'goodnight' every night to the baby as well. It's gorgeous, and makes me so unbelievably happy - I just feel all lit up inside.

I have another BT scheduled for tomorrow night. After the weekend, I just want to make sure things are moving as they should, for peace of mind I suppose.

I have a marketing lunch today with some clients at work. This means I have to make mindless small talk and act as though I am completely interested in what everyone is saying. However, I'm so tired at the moment, I couldn't care less if I just sat there the whole time. Not sure work would appreciate that, but we'll see...

Some relief (5w;6d)

At last some relief.

The bleeding seems to have subsided and I can't tell you what a huge relief it is too. The cramping is still there, but that has always been there in one form or another so there is not much I can do about that.

I am counting down the hours until my scan on Monday - I'm feeling every twinge, every cramp, even pain and my mind (as it does) constantly wonders as to what may be causing it.

Bring on 6 weeks tomorrow!

Another update (5w;5d)

I'm still bleeding... god, this is the worst feeling, I just want it to stop. Not sure how much I will get done at work today - no doubt I will be running to the toilet every 30-60 minutes being the chronic knicker checker I am (not that I can do anything about it really).

Spent most of yesterday in bed after getting back from the hospital hoping it might have eased things for today, but unfortunately not much luck. Will be trying to take it as easy as I can over today. Luckily I sit down at my desk so I don't need to be standing, or doing anything strenuous but I'll just be extra cautious I guess.

The most frustrating part I guess is knowing that there is really nothing that can be done about this - whether or not I miscarry is completely out of my hands, so it just proves once again what an absolute miracle all of this really is and how amazing it is that people even have children at all. I just can't get over it.

Anyway, should do some work now and stop thinking about things - absolutely nothing I can do so worrying won't fix it (wish I could take my own advice)...!

My day in Emergency (5w;4d)

Not a day I want to relive in a hurry.

After waking up around 8am this morning, and finding more bleeding, I asked DH to take me to the hospital, with the cramping still continuing.

After six hours in emergency (2.5 of those before I was even seen to), more blood tests etc, and continually spotting throughout the day, I was finally diagnosed with 'threatened abortion' (yay... how 'comforting') and sent on my way. My levels came back at 5480 so they have almost doubled since Thursday (3 days earlier) which was the first and only comforting sign that things are still 'happening' and the thought to which I am clinging all of my hope to.

The Dr that saw me was an absolute joke though. He kept asking me about me LMP (last menstrual period) to work out how far along I was. I kept telling him over and over that I didn't have a 28 day cycle, but I knew when I ovulated, hence my EDD (estimated due date) but he didn't seem to catch on to what I was talking about. Then he started saying he would give me painkillers for the cramping (WTF?? I'd rather double over in pain than put anything in my system, thanks...). Then he refused to give me an U/S (ultrasound) as he said we would not see anything on there until 8 weeks... (WHATEVER...) - by this time, I just wanted to get out of there and have DH take me home. This proved to me WHY I have private health insurance and am not going to have my baby in a public hospital... incompetent asshole. Anyway, if I need to go back, I will not be going back there, that's for sure (found out later, he's the emergency Dr that sees patients with ob/gyn issues... lord help anyone else in the same position).

So, all I can do really is sit this out and wait... nothing can be done, or prevented. So it's matter of praying and wishing and hoping that the difficult journey we've travelled to get here, will lead us to the destination we've dreamed of.

Early days (5w;3d)

I had the tiniest amount of brownish CM this morning and almost had a heart attack. I was praying and hoping that with the amount of cramping that I had been getting, it would not be combined with any bleeding. Although the amount was small, I'm now being extra cautious every time I go to the toilet to be on the lookout for any other signs.

The cramping still really hasn't eased, in the last few days I've had jabbing pains as well so I'm just trying to rest up and take it as easy as possible.

I've bought some new books - Up the Duff, Natural Way to a better pregnancy, and Birth. I'm enjoying them all and they are all different offering a nice change. I read the Natural Way to Better Babies initially, and was interested in a lot of the concepts and ideas that were in there. Some of them scare me half to death mind you (like the part about ultrasounds being bad for you and why would you ever consider getting one... yeah, RIGHT!!) but on the whole, it's a good natural common sense approach to pregnancy.

I also had another BT on Thursday night and my levels were 2855 so still quite high. Although it's impossible to draw conclusions merely from the levels themselves, but at least it's a comfort to know they're still rising.

My nipples have started to get a little more sensitive in the last few days, not so much sore, but just a little sensitive to touch. I'm also more tired than usual and have been falling asleep a lot quicker at night, and getting more tired in the afternoons. But apart from the cramping I mentioned earlier (and the relentless diarohhea YURGH!!) I've been surprisingly well with little symptoms at all. Fingers crossed this continues as well as a healthy and long term pregnancy!

I'm LOVING this! (4w;6d)

I am LOVING being pregnant - just knowing there is a beautiful tiny person growing inside of me it the most wonderful feeling in the world. The feeling of knowing that over the next eight months I will be totally responsible for this miracle's wellbeing (well, not just for 8 months but for the rest of its life!) is overwhelming.

Although I'm a chronic knicker checker, moan about my 'lack' of symptoms and skip a beat every time I get a cramp, I would rather do this for the next 10 years if I could guarantee the joy that is to come.

I had a giggle to myself in the loo earlier... I'm going to be a MUMMY! I tear up every time I think about it. So... off to rub my belly with some positive warm, embie-growing thoughts!

Still in shock (4w;5d)

After spending most of the weekend being unable to wipe the smile from my face, I still honestly cannot believe that I'm pregnant.

Even writing that just now made my heart skip a beat...!

Hubby is absolutely ecstatic. He spent the weekend doting on me (who wouldn't love that) and being really supportive and excited. It was great to talk about the 'reality' of our pregnancy with him, rather than it being purely fictional.

I went for another BT this morning (for my FS) and will call them this afternoon for the 'official' results. In the meantime, I've been talking HPTs still as well and pleased to see they are getting darker by the day.

I still have my intermittent cramping which feels exactly like AF pains, and which I have had for over a week now, but I guess I can't really do anything about it. Just something to keep an eye on I suppose!

I have also booked in with my obstetrician and nominated my preferred hospital. I have my first appointment with her booked in for 10 weeks (mid October) so no doubt it will be a looooong wait until then... but all oh-so-worth-it!

My diet has gone out the window as I come into the reality of 'pregnant' eating and finding that basically everything I want to eat I can't! Am going shopping tonight so no doubt I will be brining my lunches in every day just so that I can make doubly sure that it's all safe for me. Better to be safe than sorry - I don't want bubs going ANYWHERE!

I'M PREGNANT!!!!

I honestly didn't think those words would ever come out of my mouth. I am still in utter shock...

I called my GP on the hour, every hour and it was not until about 3:30pm that I finally got told "Your levels have doubled, so congratulations - you are pregnant!"

I can't even believe I am typing this at the moment. I cannot even put into words the thoughts and emotions that are all running through me. Hcg was 158, Wednesday they were 61 so it's definitely a positive.

I am now SO glad I had the test done and found out now. I'll still have the BT on Monday as well (no harm in that) because I'm too chicken to tell my FS otherwise.

As soon as I found out I called hubby immediately. He was in tears, I was in tears - we both could barely speak to each other. I have never heard such a tone in his voice before, such pleasure coupled with disbelief. It was the best feeling in the world to be able to share that news with him.

So - now for a weekend of enjoying the news :)

D-Day is here (C5;CD37;16DPO)

I went to my local GP last night. I decided to be perfectly honest with her and tell her everything that had happened. She couldn't believe that they had made such a mistake in announcing my pregnancy so prematurely - she agreed that another BT was needed, but said she would do it on the spot rather than send me in this morning for one.

I almost fell off my chair...

So I sat there, she took blood, we chatted for a while and she said the results would be available today, but not before 12:30pm.

Luckily I've arrived to work today will a full plate so I will be able to keep myself distracted as much as possible before I start calling them at 12:30pm. She said they may take until 5pm to get there, so I told her I would just keep calling to check if they were in!

I'm remaining positive and reaffirming to myself that this is it... and it's what has been keeping me going I think! My temps are still up high, cramping is still bad (woke up again last night from bad cramps) but given this is quite common in early pregnancy, I'm not dismissing it as simply AF symptoms given I've had them for a while now.

So... now it's just the waiting game (as it always has been)