Bring it on...(C5:CD5)

Well, one weekend of injecting down and I'm still here.... phew

Despite the fact I spent most of the weekend showing hubby all of the 'holes' in my stomach trying very hard to get some sympathy, and him teasing me that I would leak if I went swimming (yes, how sympathetic...), it all went quite smoothly.

The trick now is trying to fit in the extra 5 minutes in the morning when I already have every minute accounted for (my mornings are very precious!) to fit in the routine. I am trying very hard to not to have to get up 5 mins earlier, but I think it's inevitable really. Damn... 5 mins less of beauty sleep I desperately need!

Still trying to stay upbeat about everything. I do have to confess though I had a major breakdown on Friday night last when I went over to my parent's house. I hadn't had one in a while, and the only other time I did so in front of them was when I first told them about what was going on, so it was literally like a tap I couldn't turn off. I started feeling guilty though, couldn't help it. I kept thinking how there are so many other couples who are in a worse position than us and how I should be grateful for the fact we're moving forward and still have options to try, and I should not be sitting here feeling sorry for myself. Mum told me to stop being silly and I was being way to hard on myself. Maybe I was, I don't know.

I did however, have a positive Saturday with another 2 kgs lost (total of 8.9kg). Had one of my friends say that he noticed it in my face for the first time which is great news. I'm still feeling it mostly in my clothes, and it will be lovely when I can go out and buy new things (even though I should be saving for medical expenses, by hey, sometimes you just have to indulge).

My gorgeous Gypsy is back from overseas as well, so I will try and catch up with her this week. I could tell from her voice she wanted to hear how things were going with me, but didn't want to ask me over the phone so it will be wonderful to see her again and have her here (although no doubt, only for a short time!)

C'mon, sing it with me now (C5;CD2)

I think I deserve an elephant stamp!

I must say, my efforts today were are a surprise even to myself. I received my script in the mail last night and went into the chemist this morning before my appointment to pick up, what I thought, would be a small packet containing a pen injection.

Instead a walked out with what looks like a giant orange esky lunchbox with medication, needles, pen injection, booklets, needle disposal unit... the list goes on. I conveniently asked for a bag to put it in though (just felt funny walking around with a giant orange esky under my arm!)

In my appointment, my Dr showed me all of the contents of the pack and how I should put it all together. He showed me what everything was and then put all of the medication in the pen, and then popped the needle on. I could feel the sweat beading on my brow and upper lip... mouth was dry, couldn't swallow properly. I don't think I was really listening to what he was saying as I kept staring at the needle in front of me. I kept thinking "Wait... he actually thinks I'm going to stick that thing in me voluntarily?" But, as it turns out, I'm quite a good self-injector! Melbourne's druggies would be proud of me! I somehow felt if I was going to the trouble of all of these injections, at least I could be getting some 'high'...! Kind of a let down really after it's done - like wondering what all the fuss is about and what it is actually doing.

I will have another rescan on Friday next week. Given it's my first dosage (starting on 50IU per day) we won't know how well I'm responding to it until then. Some people need only 25IU, some need 100IU - so we'll just have to see next Friday when I go in.

This druggie's over and out...

D-day tomorrow (C5;CD1)

... or should it be I-Day.

I have booked in for my appointment with the Dr at 9:30am tomorrow morning where I will learn to give myself my first injection. The nervous excitement has now turned into nervous tension and I am now wondering where the good excitement has gone!

Have to fill the script in the morning (and walk around with my druggie pen all day, how cool am I) and then brave it by myself on Saturday morning for the first time. I may end up wussing out and getting hubby to do it for me (though it should be ok, hey - I'm actually wanting to have a baby which leads to childbirth, remember?)

Hopefully it all goes ok. Am reserving most of our pays towards the treatments this month though as we'll need it to get out credit card in order (it's a bit out of control with costs at the moment) but with the safety net limit with Medicare reached already, the good news is we should get a lot of money back to pay it off when we go to claim the receipts.

Quick! Undie check (C4;CD22)

Honestly, I think the staff at work must think I have the trots.

I must be making loo stops every hour or so just to see if I have any spotting yet after finishing the provera. Maybe I should just tell them I'm experiencing bladder control issues and see what they say... nah, too obvious. Maybe I should say I have a weird OCD that involves me checking to make sure I'm still wearing undies (closer to the truth). Or, maybe I should run out of my office screaming "Fire!! Fire!!" and run back from the loo each time with a glass of water and throw it over someone as I run back to my office.

I'm so anxious about getting AF sooner rather than later at the moment. I'm almost excited about the prospect of the FSH injectables (in that sad, delusional self-multiating kind of way - after all, people get tattoos for fun, don't they?) in that Dr has basically assured me I will ovulate (it just depends on how high he has to go in doseage) so I'm impatiently waiting for AF to appear so I can move on and get on with it!

Just realised today that's it's been 9 months now since we first started TTC. Damn - 9 months! I can't believe it's been that long already as it's feels like we've barely moved forward this whole time (albeit, we've learned a lot about ourselves and our health in these past 9 months than I have my whole life). Who would have thought that something classed as 'the most natural thing on earth' can be so unnatural and difficult in every way.

To top it all off, I have recently been getting the 'So when are you going to start trying for a baby?' question. Grrr, I feel like carrying around a big mallet 24/7 just so I have one available to wallop people over the head when they ask me that question. Someone once said the only way to appropriately answer that question when you've been having trouble conceiving is to say: 'Not sure - when are you thinking of having your face lift?'. I think it's true...

In any event, onwards and upwards. Must keep ploughing on and staying strong - must, must must.

Acupuncture (C4;CD19)

It is amazing how much the universe likes to mix your private life with your professional one.

One of my main files at the moment (which I have just inherited from one of the women who has just gone on maternity leave to give birth to twins) is for a client who has developed a reputation in the fertility game - both good and bad. Up until recently she had a huge following, but after some unfortunate negative publicity, some of it is now dubious.

Given the issue is so close to my heart (but no one at work knows this) it's been very difficult to remain grounded and neutral about the issue. On the one hand, I want to find out as much as I can about her, her background, what she does and her success stories in the hope that once this matter is all over, I can see her in my personal capacity as a patient. On the other hand, things keep coming up that turn me away and make me doubt whether or not she truly could help or if it's a waste of time.

That said, it drew me to start researching some of the benefits she claimed from her treatments - acupuncture being one of them. The more I began to research, the more I learned that acupuncture has been found in many cases to increase the IVF success rates (and, I would imagine, general fertility as well).

For example:

Acupuncture linked to IVF success
Can acupuncture help you conceive?
Can acupuncture boost your fertility?

The more I read about it (although the studies are inconclusive) the more it makes me think 'why not'. I need to get over my needle phobia quick smart with me starting on FSH in a week's time as I'll be getting those daily, so I may as well go further and voluntarily have myself stabbed with needles!

I think for now, I'll steer clear of the client. She's emotionally involved with the work we are doing for her and getting frustrated with us so it's probably not the best time for me to see her on a personal level! But I will keep it in the back of my mind, and in the meantime, search around for someone that may be able to help us (and hubby to!)

Bye Bye Clomiphene (C4;CD16)

Wasn't the best morning this morning.

After trying to wade my way through a break down on the freeway into the city this morning, and running 15 mins late for my specialist appointment, we had another internal scan and found out that there are no dominant follicles left on my ovaries at the moment.

My Dr is now fairly sure I'm just one of those few PCOS sufferers that does not respond to clomid (90% do) and I have to now start on the daily injections instead of to get me to ovulate. I would be lying to say I wasn't devastated, but I've told myself that I would be positive this cycle no matter what. So I'm focussing on the positive that at least we now know Clomid just isn't an option for me, and that we now can move onto something else more quickly and give that a go.

I have to induce AF and then come back into see him on CD3 of C5 to start on the injections. Similar to the pen injections diabetics use, I will have to inject myself daily with FSH, and then come in every few days to be monitored by my specialist who will see if the dose is appropriate. Like clomid, the chances of multiples are increased as while you want to inject enough to get me to ovulate, you don't want to produce too many follicles or cause ovarian hyperstimulation. So we'll be treading a thin line over the next cycle to see how I respond.

The main disappointment was that this is likely to be our last 'natural' cycle before hubby has to go back on his meds next month. This means our only option to conceive will be IUI or IVF - I think that is what hurts me more as the chances are so low, but added to that the problems we already have with me and with his 'very poor' sperm, urgh... don't want to think about it.

Anyway, at least now we can move on and focus on the IUI as our best shot and see how we go. The downside of course is extra medication and visits means extra costs and I am conscious of finding a way to pay for all of the treatment in the meantime, but we'll find a way I'm sure.

On a 'lighter' note (C4;CD14)

I had my four week weigh in yesterday and I'm pleased to say I've now dropped a total of 6.9kg in 4 weeks!

I am absolutely delighted with the program and really pleased I gave it a go. I was tossing up for so long whether I should do it, but it has been so much easier than I could have expected. So, I'm hopeful it will continue (although I know I probably won't lose as much from here on in given the first couple of weeks is notorious for people losing a lot in one go) and get even easier after this point.

The best news is I'm starting to feel it in my clothes again. Pants are loosening up around the waist quite a bit which is a good sign when you can see it not only on the scales, but in everyday clothes as well.

CD12 Scan (C4;CD12)

A small victory this morning with a 9mm follie visible on my left ovary at the scan. It was quite wonderful to see my Dr again, and he showed me some photos of the time he spent overseas on vacation (nice to speak to him about non-fertility based things sometimes!)

I have been booked in for another re-scan on Tuesday (CD16) to see if there is any movement with that follicle. Hopefully it will be around 16-17mm at least by then which will pretty much guarantee ovulation over the next week after that.

He did say though that if it didn't work this cycle, then we would have to move to the injections as he didn't want to go any higher than 3x clomid due to the health implications and complications that arise as a result of being on too much.

So, here's hoping for that next scan on Tuesday. There's a lot riding on this cycle as it's probably the first and last natural cycle we will have before hubby has to go back on his meds and we resort purely to IUI or IVF.

Time goes by... so slowly... (C4;CD8)

As is the inevitable, a watched pot never boils. Or is it a kettle??

This is how my days feel at the moment. I have Madonna's "Hung Up" playing over and over in my head reminding me of how slowly time goes by... hooray - my brain has a sense of humour.

I have booked in for my CD12 scan on Friday. Will be glad to see my Dr after he has been away these past few weeks. I feel like I practically live at the hospital these days, and when the nurses and staff know you by name, that's a bit of a worry! Will keep everything crossed that my ovaries are responding to the increased dose of the clomiphene and we have another cycle we can use.

Hubby saw the specialist again last week. His levels have gone up again but Dr has decided not to put him on his medication again yet so we have at least another month before that happens. That's only one cycle though. Talk about pressure...!

Gypsy Woman (C4;CD4)

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high, look it in the eye and say "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me".

Got very good news on email this morning from my best friend over in London. She's coming home in a month and I just can't wait.

Bloody nomad lifestyle she leads - drives me insane! One moment she's here, next moment she's not, but I'll be glad when she's back in Melbourne and we can have a hang out.

I really miss her.

She's one of the few people who know what we're going through, and she never trivialises it but at the same time, doesn't let me dwell on it too much and I love her for that. The other good news is that she'll be bringing her beau down from London with her so I can finally meet him... can't wait!

To tell or not to tell (C4;CD3)

I told my parents a little while ago about the problems that hubby and I were experiencing.

That was a big step.

Whilst I would consider us 'close', when it comes talking about such an intimate part of your life, it is suprisingly difficult. I have always been confused as to why I haven't wanted to share this with people, especially with them. I am usually so open about things and have no problem in sharing the way I'm feeling with my friends. I pride myself on being a good listener with my friends, and try to provide them with good advice where they ask for it and be there for them when they need it to. I have kept this a closely guarded secret - even most of my closest friends don't even know what I am going through (which also doesn't help when they 'positively encourage' me to get pregnant and quick...). I wonder why I don't want to tell people, why it's so private to me.

Maybe it's because I don't want the 'Oh, you'll be fine' comments or the 'My best friend's auntie's cousin and her partner went through the same thing and they conceived so you will too'. Well, good on them, I'm happy for them. But those comments are the last thing I want to hear. Sometimes you just want to tell without wanting people to reassure you that it will all be ok. Sometimes you just do.

Maybe it's because I know they can't help me, and so what's the point in saying anything. It's not like they'll be able to instantly cure hubby and I and the battle still ahead. If not, then why tell?

Maybe it's because I don't want people feeling sorry for me. Maybe I like them thinking I'm a strong willed person and can do anything I put my mind to... just maybe. I don't like feeling like I'm a failure, and maybe I'm scared of what people would think if I told them what was wrong with me.

Maybe it's because at the back of my mind I still haven't fully accepted the reality of the situation we're in. Maybe I think if I tell people and I eventually fall pregnant, they'll tell me I never had anything to worry about. Do I fully comprehend and accept what is happening to us? Maybe not... maybe I am still in denial, hoping it is all a bad dream and will go away and then I will have no need to share the information because it was never 'there' to begin with. Maybe, although I say it over and over, I just haven't fully resigned myself to the fact that we may not have a biological child - no, I think I'm right. I don't think I have. The instant I wrote that, I almost wanted to change topics on myself, I didn't want to continue to think about it. That's a bad sign right? It's a sign I'm not dealing with this properly - but telling people isn't going to fix it... maybe it will... (no, keeping talking to yourself, THEN you'll be more sane!)

I have always been conscious of the fact that once you tell someone, you can never take it back. Once they know, they know. And this, more than anything, requires me to be very careful as to who I share that information with.

I think that's maybe why I find this journal so self satisfying. I am able to fully and unashamedly discuss everything I am feeling without ever having to feel guilty or 'wrong' about my feelings.

Maybe, that's how I have to deal with it...

The power of positive thinking (C4;CD2)

I want to be more positive. I was thinking back to last cycle and everything that happened, and I know I really hit a low point.

I have always tried to be positive and upbeat about everything whenever I can be. That stems from me believing that there are always people in a situation worse than me, and therefore things can never be as bad as they may seem at the time, it's just a matter of getting through it. For some reason, that thinking didn't cut it for my last cycle, and I don't know why.

So, to make up for it, I want to start afresh this new cycle - think positively about everything, the changes we're making, and all of the day to day dramas both hubby and I face as a matter of doing something proactively.

I need to remind myself that our FS did say that it was not a matter of if I was to be a mummy, but when - but the timing and method is something he couldn't determine. Therefore, our time will come when our future baby decides that we are ready to become parents.

Perhaps that's just it.

Maybe our baby is not ready for us, even though we are ready for them. Maybe it needs time to assess us as parents, to make sure we're up for the challenge... and only then will it allow itself to be conceived.

So maybe the positive thinking is a good step? I need to convince not only me to get back onto my feet and move forward, but our future baby that we are waiting here with open arms and open hearts.

My inspirational quote for today?

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood

--

PS.

God help me, I think I've finally turned my husband into a pram snob. Every time we go out now he is always checking out all of the prams that come his way and comments everytime he sees a Bugaboo go by. He even comes home from work and tells me stories about how went somewhere and saw a Bugaboo and how he could immediately tell it from other prams... lordie, imagine what he'll be like when it comes time to buying one! He'll be commenting on his favourite colour combinations next...

4.1kg down (C3;CD28)

Had my first official weigh in yesterday and I am officially 4.1kg lighter than I was 2 weeks ago. I almost couldn't believe it!

I know the first couple of weeks will always be more dramatic because of fluid etc, but at least it's given me that extra boost to continue doing what I am doing for my overall health and wellbeing.

Starting spotting last night, so I suspect AF will appear in full force either today or tomorrow so at least I can now start focussing on a new cycle. Hubby has his appointment next week to see the specialist. We're both hoping that his levels are still controllable so that he doesn't have to go back on his medication. That would be even more devastating to know we can only use what poor sperm we already have stored which is highly unlikely to result in something, even if everything was alright with me, which it isn't. So fingers crossed we can at least try for another month or so to see if there is any improvement again for a little bit longer.