Bargain shopping weekend (12w;6d)

What a wonderful weekend.

There was a baby 'expo' (and I use that term loosely) being conducted by David Jones at Chadstone. A friend and I decided to go as I had printed off a page from the website that stated you could get 20% off prams on the day of the expo. I had every intention of going in and buying the Bugaboo and being done with it...

... that was until I was told that I was entitled to basically get 20% anything I was to buy! So, I ended up buying the Bugaboo, a sunshade, footmuff, Boori classic cot and mattress (at 30% off because they were in stock) and a car seat. I was so pleased, I could barely believe it! There's no way I would get 20% off anywhere else so I was absolutely thrilled!

The best part is I had to put no money down, I don't have to pay anything until everything comes in and even then, it can be on a 24 month interest free plan! YIPPEEEEEE!!!!

The NT/Downs Scan (12w;2d)

Just had the most wonderful, amazing, exhilaring experience with the sonographer this afternoon. I just can't get the images out of my mind.

We got to see our gorgeous, precious little baby - moving around in all its glory (which, of itself, was just amazing to see). We also got to hear it's heartbeat, confirm its gestation (12w;2d which is spot on!), get some still images, and the whole scan was placed onto a DVD. We also got to hear its heartbeat (164 bpm) which was so strong and such an amazing sound!

The reason for the scan was to test the size of the nuchal translucency at the base of the neck of the baby, as babies with a sizeable NT have an increased risk of downs. The sonographer immediately said ours was very low risk, but we needed to have it combined with my BT results taken about a week and a half ago to be 90% accurate. When combined, it came back with a risk of 1 in 13,000 which was an excellent result.

I still can't describe the feeling that washed over me at that scan today - I kept looking at the screen, and still not believing that we were looking at a scan of our baby... it just doesn't feel real! I cannot wait to get home tonight and watch the DVD over and over again! What an amazing miracle, and what a fighter to be so happy and healthy (it's definitely a boy... it knows how to scare mum and misbehave!!)

12 weeks down! (12w;1d)

"I have vocal cords now, and my gender is evident too!"

Just over 24 hours to go until my NT scan tomorrow... I can hardly sit still! Which reminds me, I need to get a VHS casette to take with us to the scan tomorrow so we can have it filmed! Up until now we've really only caught small glimpses of our little one, and I just cannot wait (firstly to make sure everything is ok) to see it again.

I'm still feeling really tired, but other than that the headaches seemed to have calmed down from last week, and the bleeding has subsided, although I'm still getting a light brown discharge on a daily basis.

If all goes well after the scan tomorrow, I will then make a time to speak with my boss so that I can let everyone at work know. That will also be exciting, as I can finally tell them without having to make excuses for stupid things all the time!

12 week countdown (11w;6d)

I'm bleeding again...

Everytime it happens, I start to feel so helpless. I keep trying to convince myself that this may just be 'normal' for me, but it's so much easier said than done. How can you keep telling yourself that seeing bleeding every other week is 'normal'? There's obviously something wrong - as to whether it's threatening to the baby though, is another story, and one which I guess I will never know the answer to until this whole pregnancy is over.

I don't want to feel this way - I want to enjoy the pregnancy, and I want to treasure the miracle of life that is growing inside of me. But it's so hard for me to feel attached when every day I am running to the toilet to see if there is any more blood. It's hard when I feel like I have to tread lightly for fear of doing something to jeapordise the baby's health and that the bleeding is my body's way of telling me something isn't right. I absolutely hate it... and I hate feeling this way.

Yesterday, I met with one of my clients over lunch - the one I mentioned a while back that has a fertility following. She was talking to us about auras and how when she meets clients for the first time, she will know straight away whether or not she can help them as to whether the aura of their baby is present. If it's not, she tells them to go away and come back in 6 months. When she was telling us this, she looked straight at me, looked at my stomach as she was explaining, and then looked again and looked back at me. My heart stopped for a split second... if she is for real, and she can do what she says... did she know I was pregnant? I immediately felt this sense of calm wash over me, in a sense that if she did just pick up the aura of the baby, then maybe everything was ok and I didn't have to worry.

That's why, I guess - I was so, well, almost angry, that I started bleeding later that afternoon. I had felt so happy and so comfortable - like she was speaking to me (even if it was only a hypothetical). I am holding on to that feeling however, I can't even describe it. It was like she could see inside of me, very hard to explain.

I'm 12 weeks tomorrow (that elusive 12 week mark) and my NT scan is on Friday, after which if all goes ok, I'll be able to relax a lot more. It's a bit by bit process, and a big learning curve, and I just want to absorb all of the feelings, emotions and outcomes along the way.

YAHOOO! (11w;1d)

I just got a wonderful call from my mum who has offered to buy us the Bugaboo!!

We were talking about some website issues for her, and she asked me if I could design a new website for her. When I said I would, her reaction was "Oh good, well I'll buy you the pram you want then"!!

That's so sweet, and totally unexpected. I can't honestly imagine how they're going to afford it with mum not working and starting a new business with all of the outlays and expenses that follow, but they have generously offered to do so anyway.

I am so rapt!!

Another week down (11w)

"I have hair and fingernails now, and I'm getting nutrients through the placenta!"

Eleven weeks today! I can't wait for the next couple of weeks to pass so that I can start to relax a bit more.

I'm going to the Pregnancy, Babies and Children expo this weekend and cannot wait! It's going to be so exciting and now I can actually go with the intent to purchase! Hooray! (God help DH who is coming with me... he might have to restrain me!)

It's been fabulous being able to get our news out in the open. Everyone knows now apart from work (my boss is away and I want to make sure they know first before I start telling others, I don't want the news to come from them) so I will tell them in about 1.5 weeks time.

STOP PRESS! (10w;6d)

My self-made pram snob of a husband has 'decided' what colour Bugaboo combination we're getting... the others were 'boring' (go figure).

Shout it out! (10w;2d)

DH and I have decided to tell people that we're pregnant. Well, ok - he wasn't fussed either way, but I finally came to the realisation that this was a real pregnancy, with a real baby, and I didn't want to hide it any longer.

In the terrible event something was to happen (although unlikely as it would be given the real danger period is behind us), or we would have to terminate for testing reasons, I would want my friends and family to know what we had gone through rather than go through it alone. Whether we share also with them the struggle of conception is probably something I will play by ear. It's been very hard for me to discuss at the time, but maybe now that there is a happy ending it won't be so hard to do. I will have to see how I go.

Just wanted to say... (10w;1d)

I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Our little fighter! (10w)

"I'm an inch in length, and finally a fetus!"

Had my scan this morning. Met my OB and she is just lovely. We went in, and we went through my referrals and problems with my FS, how I got pregnant etc, then she asked me how I was, and I told her about the bleeding and cramping etc. When I was telling her though, the look on her face, urgh, it was terrible!! I wanted to rip my clothes off and stick the ultrasound machine on myself!!

Then she took my BP and did an abdominal scan - and there was the baby! At first I was looking at my bladder (b/c I really needed to pee!!) and just saw a big black hole... and almost died! Then I realised I was looking at my bladder and not my uterus, and then I saw the baby! HOORAY!!

She was happy with everything - forgot to ask how far along the baby measured, but she didn't seem concerned. Have my NT scan (testing for down syndrome) Friday fortnight (12w2d) and my BT next Tuesday.

She couldn't see a reason for the spotting, so I have no idea what my body is up to, but at least we can breath easy for the meantime!

Out, damned SPOT! (9w;6d)

I have been on such an emotional high for the last two weeks. It's the first time I've started to actually let myself believe what is happening to my body and that I'm going to have a baby. In a way, I think it was because I had, until this morning, gone a whole two weeks without any spotting and I was confident that it was all behind me.

Not so...

Woke up this morning with my body again deciding to test me. In a way, it's a good thing it's so close to the scan tomorrow. That way, I don't have to sit there and deal with the bleeding and the cramps and the worrying for weeks on end.

I was so close to staying at home though and resting in bed. Instead, I've decided to take tomorrow off instead so that DH and I can go to our appointment, and spend the rest of the day together.

So - baby, bring it on - if this is your way of testing us, to prove that we really deserve to keep you here... bring it on! We're ready for you, so stop being difficult!! (god help me when they're a teenager... I think I'll have a breakdown!)

The countdown is on (9w;5d)

As suspected, the weekend went far too quickly. However, good in a way as it meant we were that much closer to seeing our baby again this Wednesday! Now, I only have to get through today and tomorrow, so that Wednesday morning I can get this over and done with!

Have woken up with a throbbing headache this morning. I seem to be getting them quite often lately, which I know is a symptom of pregnancy. I just don't want to take anything for it though (even though paracetamol is supposed to be ok) so I 'suffer' through it hoping it will just go away. I'm so tempted to go home though, but because I have Wednesday AM off, it would look a bit dodgy.

Other than that, cramps are still there (sigh) - I just wish they would go away, as it's no fun having cramping for weeks and weeks on end, especially when it's not a 'positive' symptom to have.

We're now about 3 weeks away from telling people about the pregnancy (but given how slowly the last 3 weeks went, it will be pure torture!) and I'm getting very excited about it. I know that as soon as we start telling people this whole process will begin to feel more 'real' and I'll be more accepting of it (rather than distancing myself from it, which I have been in a way, to try and avoid being hurt). Can't wait for that time to come!

Blergh... (9w;2d)

Woke up this morning quite early (as I have been doing lately, don't really know why) and felt this wave of nausea come over me. I had hoped it was just something fleeting and would go away by the time I was to get up, but no luck.

I spent the morning walking around not knowing if I was going to throw up or not. Did want to though a few times. Had some dry biscuits for breakfast this morning (knew I had to have something, and that was probably the best thing to have) but as soon as I put one in my mouth I wanted to vomit. I made myself eat them though, and drink heaps of water, and afterwards my stomach seemed to calm down.

I was a bit excited (sicko, I know!) to finally get some taste (no pun intended) of morning sickness. Besides having an extra sensitive gag reflex of late, I haven't actually felt "sick" as such until this morning. Maybe I'm just a late bloomer...! In any event, I don't mind - it's my body telling me I have a beautiful little miracle of a baby growing inside of me, and is just reminding me of that!!

9 Weeks! (9w)

"I'm swimming and moving now, but my mummy doesn't know it!"

Happy 9 Weeks today baby!

Had my first chuck this morning - semi-self inflicted though so I don't know that it counts!! I had taken my one of my tablets this morning, ate my weetbix and then tried to have my other tablet. However, my gag reflex has been extra sensitive lately and I don't think I took enough water when I was swallowing. Well... that set me off and up came my breakfast as soon as I felt the tablet sliding down my throat. Not sure if it also came back up again (nothing more gross than sifting through weetbix vomit in the sink looking for a tablet...ewwwww!) so I decided not to take another one just in case.

I was driving in to work this morning, and for some reason started thinking about the baby's room. I suddenly had this vision of looking at our little baby lying peacefully asleep in their cot... and that was it! Teary me returned! What a complete sook...It was so beautiful though. I can't wait to meet our miracle fighter.

I read something the other day about "What people don't tell you about pregnancy, birth or baby". Most of it was things like the lack of sleep, the embarassing labour side-effects etc. But one person wrote this:

Can I just say the one thing that I wasn't prepared for was how amazingly wonderful the whole experience of having my baby out in the world was. Nobody tells you that no matter how emotional you were during the pg nothing prepares you for the intense joy that makes you want to cry just thinking about her and holding her. Nobody tells you that the feelings you and your partner have for each other just multiply when you watch each other caring for this incredible new life you've helped bring into the world. Nobody tells you that you feel so much elation and wonder that you think you want to do it again and again and again!

The first mothers day brings with it the most shocking realisation that it's your day now, not just your Mum's. My husband told me he'd never driven so slowly and carefully as when he took us home from hospital.

Now I truly understand how a mother's soul is completely wrapped up in her child. I didn't know that I would wake during the night and panic because I couldn't find her right beside me. It's like she's still a part of me but not inside of me anymore.

It is so amazing watching her grow and develop every day. When I watch her face as I walk around with her I realise that she's seeing things for the first time and it gives me a new appreciation for the world around us. When I'm talking to her she concentrates so intently on what I'm saying that I feel like I'm going to burst. I can't believe I'm the most important person in the world to her! To have that position is humbling and I feel I can't possibly have done anything to deserve it.

Now THAT'S what I want...

It's a beautiful day (8w;5d)

"I weigh one gram! I'm developing cartilage and bone this week!"

I love days like today - it's around 19 degrees, blue sky, but not cold enough to make you want to stay indoors.

I'm feeling really positive (and trying to remain so) about the pregnancy. My next scan is just over a week away and I'm trying to keep myself as busy and motivated as possible to pass the time as quickly as I can until then.

I LOVE reading my pregnancy books. I love reading the week by week countdowns they have regarding 'what is happening with your baby this week'. I find it the most fascinating thing ever - if they made a whole novel on a week by week basis, I would read it every week! I know I keep saying this over and over, but it's truly a miracle. The whole process, everything - just... wow. I still have to pinch myself that this is all real, and that I am actually pregnant. The 'stats' say we shouldn't be, that's for sure - so what else can it be but a miracle?? A pure blessing!