Perfectly timed tips...

Every week or so, I receive an email from Sharkey's Healing Centre called 'Fertility Tips'. Stacey, the resident guru there, writes detailed emails to her subscribers about interesting facts about fertility, or how to improve it etc.

Tonight's tip came through and really touched me as it came just at the right time in terms of me needing to hear what she was saying, so I thought it fitting to make sure I duplicate it here so I can refer back to it when I need to.

Hope you are having a good week.

I am in Perth and just finished a Fertility Secrets Revealed with close to 100 people from here in West Australia. What a great group of people! I am finally finding some time to spend with just my family so its been a real treat.

I have to admit, I haven't taken the time to put together one of my normal tips for you but I wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you. And I also wanted to remind you that even though you have been going through a very difficult challenging time, you are doing a great job.

I don't have to tell you that fertility issues can take over your life. As you know, I see it every day and many times you make decisions that you look back on and think, "why in the world, did I ever do that". Well I just wanted to take a minute to tell you know matter what you did or didn't do, and no matter what anybody said you are doing the best that you can getting through a difficult situation.

This journey that you are on can be long and hard at times but it can also open you up to a side of you that you didn't even know existed, a side of you that may need some tender loving care at times. It may bring up insecurities or fears that you didn't even know you had. And you know what, that is okay. As a matter of fact, its your opportunity to grow.

There was a story about a butterfly. A child was observing the process of a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon. It seemed to struggle so before it first broke out its shell and became the glorious looking butterfly full of color and its wings filled with amazing designs. So the child thought "its not fair that it has to suffer so" "Well, I will just cut the whole on the cocoon a little bit bigger so it won't have to struggle so much to enter into its new life." And the child watched and waited.
But this time as the butterfly was able to more easily escape from its cocoon, something interesting happened. It couldn't fly, it wasn't as beautiful and it didn't make it very long after beginning its new life. So the struggle, though extremely difficult at times can make the rest of your life so much more than it would have been without it.

Now yes, I know, you want to be just like everybody else who just looks at their partner and becomes pregnant. That would be nice. And yes, I wish I could even take away the hurt and suffering that you experience by making that opening to whatever lies ahead for you a bit easier to get through but I know that I can't. I can only remind you that you are doing the best you can and hopefully with these tips every once in a while I can offer you a bit of a hand to reach for when you feel like you may be struggling a bit more than usual.

And remember when you are struggling and you do need some tender loving care your partner can't read your mind. The one who is ultimately responsible for both asking for that tender loving care and for actually giving it to yourself is you. Look for ways to help you get through these challenges as healthily as possible both emotionally and physically.

And again, remember to allow yourself to believe that you truly are good enough no matter what and doing an excellent job dealing with the challenges that you face.

Take care and have a great week.

Stacey

To be numb (C3:CD23)

I'm looking around, but I don't see anything. People are making noise around me, but I don't hear anything. There's no point eating, because I can't taste anything.

DH's semen analysis results came back today, and I feel completely numb.

His morphology is now showing a 97% abnormality. Before, I am sure, it was 94% (which of itself was bad enough). I just don't understand it. We've done everything we could have to try and improve on this, but the results speak for themselves. I honestly don't want to give up hope - for god's sake I've been through enough in these past months than to see it all go to waste, but the chances of his sperm resulting in a successful conception now are slim.

He is having another meeting with his specialist next week for a checkup (given he is still off his medication) and to discuss the results. My hope is that they are able to keep him off for a little while longer so that we can at least try and see if that makes a longer term difference to the results. Wishful thinking maybe... but I need something to peg my hope on to.

His count has also decreased, though his motility has increased. Also hard to say why this is happening. It just simply doesn't make any sense.

I can't write anymore, I can't think anymore.

The Room

The spare room is empty
We want to fill it now
The needles, the testing
All seem to be in vain
But maybe - just maybe
It will all be worth the pain.

We want to see the windows
In our tiny newborn's face
So Please come and join us
From another place.

I know that you are waiting
As I am waiting too
Your room is sitting there
To be blessed just by you.

So come on let us ponder
And dream of days to come
Please come and share this space
That's been waiting for you so long.

19 days later... let's start again... (C3;CD19)

Another 7am appointment at the hospital... another redundant cycle.

Dr has now decided I have to go back on the Provera, induce a period, up my dosage of the clomiphene to 3 tablets a day and then come back on CD13 in C4 to see if there is any change. If not, then we discard the clomiphene altogether and move on to the injections.

I rang hubby straight after (who was up watching Australia draw with Croatia in the World Cup Soccor) and told him. He said he hoped that next cycle would be better. He mentioned in passing that he also hoped his blood levels were ok to so he didn't have to go back on his meds soon. I know that's his concern in all of this. The longer it's even taking to get me to ovulate, the more time is ticking away without him being on his medication, with his health at stake too. I hate feeling so responsible in all of this, but that's the reality I suppose.

There's so much riding on my body right now that I just cannot understand why four cycles with intensive hospital treatment, and previous GP treatment etc I am in no better position than I was last October.

Anyway, back to the drawing board. I'll start on the provera tomorrow (taking 3 for 5 days) and then book in to see my Dr when I get to CD13... nothing else I can do!

No change... (C3;CD17)

Why do I constantly feel like such a failure?

Was at my appointment for 7am this morning, and hoping for the best. Even though my previous OPKs weren't showing anything, I was hopeful that it was merely because I was drinking so much water lately that I was diluting my urine, and therefore reducing the effectiveness of the OPKs.

Not so...

No signs of ovulation. Endometrium lining is looking ok as normal - but that's irrelevant really when I'm not even ovulating. She said she wants me to come back again on Friday, although she's doubtful anything will happen, she just wants to make sure. If not, she's also ordered a blood test for me just to make sure we haven't missed ovulation somewhere along the way (yeah... right). Then, I'll get back onto the provera again to induce a period, and we'll start all over again... on my final cycle of clomid now up to 150mg day. That will be the last time they want me on it before they abandon that path and either move to injections or ovarian drilling.

After leaving completely heartbroken and crying my eyes out in the car before I drove into work, I just couldn't understand what I had done differently this cycle than last. Dr just said 'occassionally this can happen', but I knew it wasn't common. Of course it would happen to us - why not, just another hurdle to add to our ever growing list.

I have tried to remain as upbeat and positive about all of this as I can be. I really have. But it's times like this where I hit complete rock bottom and totally consume myself with thoughts of complete and utter desparation. I can't help it. My mind keeps wandering to how long this may go on... and even then, assuming they do get me ovulating on 150mg clomid, then what? What about hubby? Even then there's no guarantee my other bits will come to the party and play nice. And IVF (which is now looking more and more realistic as we go through it) - I almost can't bare to think what toll that would take both emotionally and financially. We'd probably have to sell the house if we needed extensive treatment... urgh - anyway...

This cycle I can pretty much write off. Even with the scan on Friday, it's just to appease Dr that nothing has been missed, and a blood test has been ordered as well just to make sure but we both know nothing is going to happen. Again, back to the waiting game...

Diet fads, gimmicks and empires (C3;CD15)

After spending the weekend quite upset with myself, I decided that I wanted to try and do everything and anything to get my body back working the way it should.

The main one being, of course, my weight. Now, I know that me being overweight probably has a lot to do with my PCOS and my high insulin levels. However, since being on the metformin, I honestly believe that this last month has done my body a lot of good. Albeit, taking just that medication three times a day for the rest of my life is going to be a huge pain in the proverbial, but at least it will make me feel a lot better.

So, after deciding I need to put up or shut up - I signed up for a new program. I've read up on it quite a bit and my main concern right now is to try and lose the weight to see if it will assist in me ovulating. I don't really want to increase my medication again to get me to do this - after all, I'm already at 100mg per day of clomid, and my Dr only wants to take me to 150mg before he dismisses that and moves to the injections, or the ovarian drilling. Either way, if I can avoid that, I'll be happy. Plus, now that my medication is over 10 tablets a day now, my gag reflex seems to be kicking into action even before I swallow the first tablet!

With that said, I guess I'll play it by ear and give it a shot. Anything is worth it right now.

Oh, and - as an aside, hubby and I were watching tv on the weekend, and a car ad came on where the wife asks her husband what his ultimate fantasy is. He replies that it's this particular car (wow, must be good advertising... can't even remember the car!). So with that I turned to hubby and asked him what his ultimate fantasy was. Know what he said??

"A baby"...

I couldn't stop crying. I forget too easily sometimes that although I'm more vocal about my feelings and what is happening with me, it doesn't mean it's not affecting him in the same way. I forget too often. Sure, I am having my own problems with fertility, but so is he. I know he's really anxious about Wednesday. I can feel it. And so am I. I am hoping with all hope that his results come back at least improved from last time... I can't bear to think that IVF is our only option and seeing those words "VERY POOR" written all over my forms again. And I want it for his sake as well. I want it for him so that he doesn't feel like he's failed me. God knows I feel that way about it for him, that I have failed him. Geez, we're both as bad as each other!! But I guess that's where the support comes into it. This isn't about blame (as much as we want to blame ourselves). It's about moving forward and positive thinking.

I can, I will, I must.

The ovulation merry-go-round (C3;CD12)

Had my twelve day scan again with my substitute Dr as my usual Dr is on holidays. She was a lot nicer this time and I made sure I asked all of the questions I wanted to ask.

However, again - nothing happening in the ovulation department. After last month, albeit I ovulated late, at least from memory at the 12 day scan there was something going on - a 9mm if I remember correctly. Today... zip.

I also asked about my short luteal phase - she said I might have to have another injection during that time to stimulate my body to produce more progesterone. Either that or it was a progesterone injection. In any event... it's another jab in the scheme of things, so does it really matter?!

Mood has plummeted now dramatically as well and I'm feeling completely down. I know I really shouldn't be so hard on myself and that there are so many people in a worse position that us right now, but we just keep hitting these hurdles and I all I want to do is be able to know that everything is going to turn out ok. But the reality is, it might not. We might still be in this position years down the track. I don't know how I could handle that emotionally.

I also found out that if we move to IVF our first cycle out of pocket is about $3200. $3200... we just don't have it. And so that's the first cycle... what if it doesn't work... how do we afford to keep doing it until it does? Where does it end...?

I have another appointment rebooked for 7am next Wednesday. She said to start using OPKs from Monday so I will... here's hoping at least. It's all I can do.

Waking often (C3;CD10)

For some reason I haven't been sleeping very well the past few days. I keep waking often during the night, which I know is completely throwing out my temperatures.

When I go to bed, I am freezing and always have the electric blanket on. By the middle of the night I wake because I'm so hot I have to kick the doona off, but by morning, I am so freezing again that I can barely get out of bed. It's doing my head in!

Internal is this Friday... hope there is at least one nice plump follie waiting for me... please...

A new day, a new cycle (C3;CD1)

AF is most definitely here.

The whole tease routine over the last three days has been a nightmare playing the "am I" / "aren't I" game.

Thankfully I can now move on with everything and focus on this cycle instead. I am just not sure as to whether I should be counting the three days of spotting as part of this cycle or last, but everything I am reading says that CD1 is the first day of full bleed (today) so I will stick with that.

I'm so angry though - it means my luteal phase is definitely no longer than 10 days. I'll have to speak to the Dr about that when I go in for my CD12 scan on 16 June about what can be done. No pregnancy can be supported on a luteal phase under 10 days so I'm praying that perhaps progesterone or something similar can be taken to extend it.

And on that note - when I called before to make the appointment, I was told my Dr is away again on holidays at that time, and won't be back until I'm about CD18 so I have to see the other FS I saw last time. I refuse to be bullied into leaving this time and will make sure I ask her about the short LP and whether I need to be taking progesterone as well.

DH is going again to have some blood taken out today. His specialist appointment is on Wednesday where he'll get another chance to have a sperm analysis done. This is the one we've been waiting for over the last 3 months. This is our chance to see if all of the changes we've made for him over this period have made any difference to his sperm quality or not. I think we're both as nervous as each other. I am praying that we see even a slight improvement - then it gives us some hope that as time goes on (and we don't have a lot of it on our side) over the next few months, it may improve even more.

Until next time...

AF is on the way (C2;CD32;10DPO)

Spotting and cramping are still continuing and the temps are still decreasing every day. I am now 99% sure AF is only a day or so away now.

My guess is that for some reason, my luteal phase has been very short. Fan-bloody-tastic... yet another hurdle to overcome, and probably means even more medications and trial/error to rectify.

Still spotting... (C2;CD31:9DPO)

I have been continously spotting since yesterday - sometimes bright new blood, sometimes older brown blood, but it's been there virtually every time I've been to the bathroom. Cramping still continued last night and in parts during today and this evening too.

I am now virtually sure there's no chance of me being pregnant this cycle and am thinking now to the next cycle in gearing myself up for that.

I'm quite puzzled as to why my luteal phase (period between ovulation and menstruation) would be so short... normally it's 14 days - but I'm not even close to that yet.

Anyway, I definitely can't call the spotting I have had as a full bleed to count is as CD1 of C3, so I'll just have to continue the waiting game to see where it leads us.

Spotting... :(

Had some spotting just now... I am absolutely hoping with every fibre in my being right now that it is implantation spotting, and nothing more.

Implantation bleeding can happen when the fertilized egg burrows into the endometrial lining of the utrerus... or, it could be nothing.

However, given the slight cramping last night, the huge dip the morning, and now the bleeding - I am praying with all my might that this is a good sign and not a bad one.

Hope someone is watching over us...

Dip in temps (C2;CD30:8DPO)

It's not a good day today.

Started the morning off by taking my temps (as usual) and was shocked to get a reading of 36.29. That's a drop of around half a degree, and should generally not be happening if I were pregnant. I had to take it twice, just to make sure I hadn't done it wrong the first time.

Now I keep coming up with reasons as to why that may be the case - eg I kept waking quite often before I actually got out of bed which could have affected my temps as I wasn't asleep for 3 hours before taking it; it could be an implantation dip etc. Just can't yet deal with it not working yet.

Will have to try again tomorrow to see what happens...

Why can't it be me? (C2;CD29;7DPO)

We had a farewell for one of the women at work today. She's 6 months pregnant and having the last 12 weeks off work before her baby is due.

Two other women at work are pregnant at the moment too, and they're all due within 2 months of each other. One of them is even carrying twins.

Everyone at the farewell kept talking about how fertile everyone was, and how there must be something in the water. I started off really well - I was genuinely happy for her, and just generally excited about the miracle of a new baby in this world. The guy who gave the speech on behalf of everyone is a new dad himself (his wife also now pregnant too at the moment with their second child) and it was very appropriate for him to speak.

But, it just seemed to all hit me like a tonne of bricks after a while - they're all pregnant and I'm not. There is only one other senior girl here who is not pregnant, and then there's me. I then thought 'Maybe she's also having problems', and then I thought 'Maybe she doesn't want kids yet, and wants to advance her career more first... who knows'. I think on the whole though, I'm doing quite well generally. Sure, I get teary and upset from time to time - but it's not normally out of jealousy. It's normally because I am still so taken by the miracle of life and birth that I get so emotional! Yes, I know. No need to snigger. Truth anyway.

My temps are still up which is good. I am counting down the days until I can test and have been trying to read up on which brands I should test with that are reliable with early results. I am now thinking the 50 pack of eBay ones I bought are not so good, but I'd rather buy some more and get a proper result, than sweat over the cheaper ones not working.

Until next time...