Breathe... (6w;5d)

I don't even know where to begin.

Thursday night I went to my GP and had a blood test. I was feeling relatively ok. My bleeding had virtually subsided and I had the occassional cramping but nothing out of the ordinary.

I went home that night, had some dinner, got ready for bed, had my obligatory loo stop before getting into bed... and nearly collapsed right there on the floor. I was bleeding so heavily, and with such bright red blood I thought I had my period. I had to stop for a moment and remember, no - wait, I'm pregnant - this is not right. I kept trying to wipe away the blood thinking it was a bad dream, but it just wouldn't stop. I don't even know what happened next - next thing I knew I was in bed and bawling my eyes out to DH over the phone who was at work.

"I think I'm miscarrying" I sobbed to him. He instantly said he would come home so he could be with me, but whilst I felt so lonely I just didn't want him there. He told me later how absolutely helpless he felt, and that he'd never ever felt that way before. He didn't know what to think, do or say, and I guess in a way neither did I.

Friday morning I woke (well, as much as you can wake from not sleeping all night) to check the bleeding, and this time was met with much more heavy bleeding, dark red blood, and some clots. I was devastated. I just sank to the bathroom floor and cried and cried and cried. DH came in as soon as he heard me and we just sat there crying together for over half an hour. We didn't say anything to each other - we both were feeling the same way. Neither of us could put into any words how we felt. DH wanted me to stay home, but I knew I had to go to work. I just couldn't stay home, I would have driven myself insane. Of course, once I got to work it wasn't much better and I wondered why I had come in at all. The bleeding did ease though over the day, and by the evening, I was still bleeding, but it was now back to old 'brown' blood.

My Dr called me that afternoon with my HCG results. They were 15,607 - but had been taken before the heavy bleeding began so when I asked her about this, she said the only way we could make anything of it was to test again. I declined - no test would change what would happen one way or another, and I was due for my scan on Monday so I elected to leave it.

The weekend was long... very long. I spent most of it in bed trying to rest as much as possible. The bleeding did slow down which was good, and I'm sure the rest had a lot to do with it. I was met with excrutiating stomach pains last night and spent a lot of it on the loo; I had virtually given up home that there was any point to the scan today. I had prepared myself for the worst.

When twelve o'clock finally ticked around (and watching every second go by does not help pass the time), we saw my Dr. He was not happy about the bleeding, but said the only way to know what was going on was to scan - so we did... and there was our bubba! Yolk sack was there, and so was it's tiny tiny little heart beating away... I couldn't believe it. I broke down with tears streaming down my face and couldn't stop. Dr estimated around 150bpm but that was just his guess. Dr printed off a picture of the scan for us. DH was absolutely overjoyed and could not stop smiling. He grasped onto the photo with both hands and wouldn't stop staring at it for the rest of our appointment. I don't think he believed it any more than I did - we were both convinced we had lost the baby. We have a little fighter on our hands!



On the bleeding front, he has no idea why I am bleeding. I don't have any obvious signs as to why it's happening, no uterine clots etc so he said just to take it easy (as with everything, there are no guarantees) and just have to wait again until I see my OB at 10 weeks.

I never thought the baby would have survived with the amount of blood I lost but I guess I have to keep reminding myself... this is a miracle, one of which I have no control over from here on in - I'm merely a spectator.