Merry Christmas (21w;1d)

Wow... I can't believe I am over halfway already.

Although I remember every second if this pregnancy since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I still cannot get over how quickly the time has passed. Goodness knows how quickly the next period will go, and before we know it we will be holding our precious little one who we are already deeply in love with.

The baby is still kicking away, although movements are far to quick and few for David to have felt them yet. Being away from work at the moment (Christmas holidays, before I return on 2 January) means that I've had time to 'stop' and relax. I don't know how much time I have wasted lying on our couch concentrating on my belly and trying to make the baby move... usually unsuccessfully!

Second ultrasound (19w;2d)

We had our second ultrasound today (mid-trimester anomaly scan) - and what a wonderful, wonderful experience.

We got to see the baby again - this time, the sonographer was focusing on the structural parts of the baby - the brain, the spine, the heart. At one stage, we even got to see the four chambers of the heart all beating away and the flow of the blood in and out of the heart. I will try and put the video of the ultrasound into the video section so that you are all able to see it as well.

The baby was measuring perfectly as well - overall, only one day smaller than what it was at 12 weeks. We had decided before going into the scan that we weren't going to find out the sex of the baby as we wanted to keep it a surprise for the birth. I am so glad we did as well. We talked and talked about it for ages, but in the end, we knew it was something that would only be made that little bit more special at the birth, and there was no real reason for us to find out now anyway, other than convenience. I certainly don't feel any less bonded to the baby not knowing the sex, or deciding on a name, so all of that will come in good time.

Stress (18w;1d)

"Vernix is beginning to form to protect my skin,
and I've started hiccupping!"

I'm out of control - the stress is driving me insane.

I can't cope with work - every night for the past few nights I've come home in absolute tears. Today, right in front of my assistant in our regular morning meeting I burst into tears. She didn't know what to do, and neither did I so I just pretended that it was nothing and kept on ploughing on through the meeting.

I am sure that my recent inability to cope is due to my pregnancy hormones being out of control. I just can't deal with things they way I used to, and certainly not this stress. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders at the moment, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am the only family law person here at work - there is no one else. I am the family law 'department'. The matter I have at the moment is an absolute shambles, and with me only doing this for the past 6 months or so, I simply don't have the necessary knowledge and experience to know instinctively what to do when something crops up. The managing partner who normally supervises me (the only other person who remotely knows anything about family law) is overseas and not back until next week, and our barrister, who I have now lost all confidence in, seems to give me the brush off whenever I call.

I can't cope with it - I feel like I'm alone in this minefield and I cannot be sitting here making mistakes on files when someone's welfare is on the line. We're at a crucial stage right now and all my head is consumed with is what things I may have missed, or what I should be doing but haven't.

To make it worse, the lawyer on the other side is an absolute snake. She twists and turns everything, taking complete advantage of the fact that I am junior and tries to get away with everything she possibly can. Problem is, I don't have anyone to seek advice from as to what she is asking for is inappropriate or not. I just have to make that call on my own, and I'm not comfortable with it.

I don't know... this is just a vent I guess, and I don't think there is really anything I can do about it. It just frustrates me, because I really don't need this right now and I am concerned that my stress levels are having an effect on the baby. I don't want anything to happen to it! So, I'll see how I go I guess. Take it one day at a time...