Re-run (C5;CD36;15DPO)

After the debarkle that was yesterday, I have decided to sneak an appointment in with my GP and have another BT tomorrow.

I don't think I'll stay completely sane given what's happened if I have to wait until Monday to do so, so hopefully I'll be given a referral and it will all be ok.

My temps are still up, and no sign of spotting etc yet. However, my HPTs are all still faint which isn't the best sign (presumably they would be getting darker over time as my HcG levels increased). They have remained at the same strength for the last four days and don't seem to be budging so it's hard to say. However, I know the internet cheapies are renowned for not given strong BFPs so I hope with all hope this is the case for me!

Hopefully I will know one way or another tomorrow whether or not I'm a mummy (oh my god... how exciting!)

ARGHHHHHHHH

Maybe we can start this day over....

It was after 3:30pm and I still hadn't heard from my Dr as to whether the results had come through, so I gave them a call. The substance of the conversation went as follows:

"Hi, I'm just wondering if my results are in"

"Oh yes... yes they are... and yes, you are pregnant"

"What?? Are you kidding? You're sure?"

"Yes, yes you are!"

"I can't believe it, oh my god..." (and more phrases like this!)... "... and you're absolutely sure?"

"Yes, I mean your levels are low but they are low when it's this early"

"Hang on, what do you mean by low? Couldn't they just be low because its the excess of the Ovidrel that is still in my system? That I'm actually not pregnant?"

"Oh... well.... um.... hang on... let me check"

(2 mins later)

"The girls here in the office think the Ovidrel could be in your system for up to two weeks so I'm sorry to get your hopes up, it could still be that. I will have to speak to the Dr and get back to you"

WHAT ON EARTH JUST HAPPENED?? First I was so excited I was shaking and could barely speak. Next I felt myself plummet way down after she confirmed my worst suspicion.

Now, I am NOT supposed to be the expert in all of this. I am the patient... a patient who has been dealing with them for months now, whose history they know (or should know) intimately and to have something like that happen... I'm lost for words.

So now, they want me to go in for another BT on Monday - by then it will be conclusive (either that or AF will arrive anyway and let me know one way or another).

Back to the drawing board!

1 test down, 6 hours to go... (C5;CD35;14DPO)

After an excrutiating session at the pathology lab being jabbed in one arm, having the needle twisted and pulled around to find my vein, and not finding it, to having the other arm jabbed and finally getting some blood out, the test has now been sent away and the pathology nurse has asked that they be done by 3pm today.

3pm...

The cramping got worse overnight. I was almost sure that when I woke up this morning I would had AF. I even went to the toilet in the middle of the night as it got quite bad thinking it had already arrived, but still nothing. My body is toying with me, and I hate it!

The nurse (although hopeless at taking a BT) was lovely. She asked me how long I'd been trying and wished me luck on the way out. Even if it was just small talk, it made me smile.

If it's a BFN, sure - I'll be disappointed but at least I can move on and not have to worry about the 'am I, aren't I' situation that's been going on these last veeeeeery long few days. And if it's a BFP... well... don't really need to say anything about that.

So I cheated... (C5;CD34:13DPO)

Ok, ok... so I cheated and have still be taking HPTs for the last two days.

The line is still definitely there. This morning, I thought it was more faint than last night, but if I don't get AF during the day I am going to test again tonight, as my night tests seem to be darker. It's not as if I have to squint to see it - the line is clear, but it's not as dark as I would like it.

Even if it's a false positive, the 'buzz' I get from just seeing the line there is enough to spur me on - even if I am making myself nuts in the process.

I've been getting light cramping yesterday and today as well - naturally, it could be either AF on its way, or pregnancy symptoms so that's not helping much either.

I will also call my FS today and see about booking in a BT if AF has not arrived by tomorrow. He might think I'm mad given it's my first ever 14 day luteal phase (go the injections!!) but I guess I will drive myself crazy if I don't.

**Updated:
I have called and booked in a BT for 7:30am tomorrow. When I first rang my FS, I was so nervous I confused the poor receptionist who ended up booking me in for an LH and p4 test. When I hung up I thought... 'hang on, that's not the right test!'. So I rang back, and the first thing she said was 'Oh, I'm confused... why are we testing for ovulation when you've ovulated??' (I wanted to ask her if she had preggers brain...) So when I clarified and said I wanted an HcG test, she started squealing with excitment and said 'Oh how exciting, so you could be pregnant!! Best of luck!' Lucky for me I rang back!

God I love them there. It makes this whole experience all the more reassuring whatever the result when you genuinely have people like that that will make a fuss over you! Just what every girl needs...!

Self-torture (C5;CD32; 11DPO)

Self-torture (Self`-tor"ture)
n.The act of inflicting pain on one's self; pain inflicted on one's self.
Ex. Taking a HPT and seeing a faint line and then realising it could be a false positive as you only had a HcG injection 5 days ago...

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid... I really should have thought about it more, I mean, it's not that hard. HPTs measure the amount of HcG in your system. Your HcG levels should double every three days if you're pregnant. I took an injection of HcG 5 days ago... of COURSE it would show a positive even if I weren't pregnant, wouldn't it?

I think the only way I'll be able to tell now is to have a BT (blood test) on Wednesday (14DPO) and then another one on Friday or Monday of the week after. That means it will probably be at least until Tuesday week until I have a firm result (then again, by then I could probably test at home with my own HPTs and know... if I haven't got AF by then, I'd be worried...)

Lesson learned - don't be so stupid next time...

Miracles do happen (C5;CD29;8DPO)

I just found out that a girl I know who has been TTC for years has finally got her BFP (big fat positive).

She tested with five different brands of HPTs (home pregnancy tests) and all of them came up positive. She even had a blood test yesterday before doing the HPTs and was waiting for the results to come back, but thought she would test at home in the meantime.

I gasped out loud when I found out - she was just about to start IVF treatment next cycle but was just waiting for AF to arrive. She too has PCOS, and her hubby also has poor sperm quality as well.

The first thing I thought was... 'Wow, it is possible!'. I want more than anything in the world for this to remain a viable pregnancy for her - if not for selfish reasons to prove that if she can do it, so can I - and she's been wanting this for so long. And she's absolutely thrilled that the $3200 she had saved to pay for her first IVF/stim cycle can now be used on her baby instead.

Such joyous news.... the miracle of life really is a miracle.

Luteal Phase (C5;CD28;7DPO)

So, the luteal phase... it's a pretty important thing, right? I mean, it's got to be long enough so that a viable pregnancy can be supported and needs to have just the right amount of hormones so the little embie can grow.

My luteal phase?
Up shit creak.
The solution?
Inject me with another round of HCG!

After my last ditch effort before ovulation at thinking I was such a 'druggie pro' and practically botching up my last HCG injection (Note to Self: use a 'dart like' motion for inserting these, do not try and push them through the skin like FSH and wonder why you're in so much pain and nothing is happening!) I got hubby to administer it to ease the pain this time. Still hurt, but nothing like what I seemed to do last time - I think my ego was bruised more than my stomach.

I think I'm in in TWW meltdown though and searching for any 'potential' (read: imaginary) pregnancy symptoms that come my way.

I keep poking at my boobs just to see if they're tender - then again, they're tender because I keep poking them so maybe that's not such a good idea.

Then, I thought it must be a good sign because I am drinking more and visiting the loo more often. Then I realised I am visiting the loo more often because I'm drinking more.

Finally, I convinced myself that the fatigue I have been experiencing lately has to be a sure-fire pregnancy symptom. No - wait, that's because of my loving husband and his god-awful cough that's kept me awake for the past few nights.

The cost of trying to have a baby so far?
Can't even imagine... thousands upon thousands.
The look on hubby's face when I finally get to tell him I'm pregnant?
Priceless...

The waiting game (C5;CD26;5DPO)

I used to think that TTC sounded like such a blast. I mean, how hard can it be if countless wild teens do it accidentally on a regular basis? Think of all of the single mums, lesbians that get preggers from anon sperm donors - sheesh, no wonder my mother told me to kee my legs shut.

That was, until I realised there is a science behind it all. There really is only like a 24-36 hour window to get the deed done - so on average, only 24 days out of the whole year where it might be possible . And that's of course assuming that everything is 'functioning' the way it should, and that all of hubby's sperm have a map to my fallopian tubes. But, knowing hubby, they all take after him and would never stop to ask for directions and would inevitably get lost along the way - all the time the girly spermies shaking their heads and saying 'I told you so' as they swim on by.

And, of course, in between ovulation and "knowing" whether or not it worked is a TWW of hell. It is during the TWW you inevitably get sick (as hubby has done now lying in bed with the flu). Then you wonder, can I take something (ex. cold medicine, cough medicine, etc)? What if I'm pregnant and I take something? Will it hurt the baby? What if I'm not pregnant and I'm just suffering. Stop being such an ass and just take the drugs so you'll feel better.

I've also sold my Maybe Baby on eBay. I figured anything that involved me spitting on it on a daily basis and then examining the contents through a microscope has got to be a joke... I mean, for real - they expect me to keep flushing my money down the toilet on things that don't work - honestly. So... another poor unwitting TTCer can sit there analysing their slag instead of me... good luck to them!

Small steps (C5;CD23)

Small victories are always a good feeling!

I have definitely ovulated this month and regardless of whatever happens at the end of the TWW I am prepared for it. It is such an achievement for me to have gotten to this point and to know now that my body will respond to puregon, and that being resistant to clomiphene is not the end of the world.

It's just one more lesson about myself that I have learnt.

I don't really mind the injections anymore. The whole thing only really last 30 seconds anyway and I'm sure over time it will just get easier and easier to bear. Like anything, it's about trying to put yourself into the right frame of mind to deal with it and move forward.

It's Friday today - and I am really looking forward to the weekend. I must admit, this week has flown by and with my mind being a bit all over the place at the moment, I haven't had enough time to realise what I've been doing all week to get to this point. It's a good feeling.

One thing I will try and start back on is the business work. I haven't touched it in about a month as I either haven't had the energy after I get home, or just haven't been in the right frame of mind after working all day to come home and continue to work. I used to be ok with it - but even just keeping up with the bookeeping is doing my head in. I wish there was enough income to warrant paying someone to come over for a few hours a week, but not yet. Maybe in time. So it might be nice to get back to things - I'll see how I go over the weekend.

Hubby's FS appointment (C5; CD22)

Hubby and I both went to see our FS today to speak about his results. We had never sat down with him yet to talk about them and what can be done etc since his last few tests and I thought it was time we did so just to see if there was anything else we could do.

Our Dr said that it is unlikely we can find the cause of hubby's sperm problems. Common sense is that it is from the medication, but as we have no basis of comparison for his sperm prior to him going on his medication, we don't know if that's just the way it was before, or as a result of the meds. And, there is really nothing we can do to test for it.

Hubby also asked if there was anything he could take in order to improve his levels - Dr said no. Even still, I don't want to give up hope that the baby juice we take along with his multis are not helping at all - even if there is a smidgen of an improvement, it's something! So, we'll stick with it for the time being to see how we go.

"Anyway", our FS said. "You could be pregnant now, and this would be a pointless discussion!".... god I hope so!!

I had cramping all last night - quite bad cramping too. I think it was my metformin playing up for some reason. I was also ovulating yesterday and my concern went straight towards that fact that if I was cramping, how difficult it would be for any fertilised egg (if it did fertilise) to implant on a cramping uterine lining. Nonetheless, it's only speculation and time will tell I guess so there is no point worrying about it.

From the reading I have been doing, especially from people who have gone through all of this before, they tell you that it is best to just plan for next month - make the appointments you need to, get your medications etc in order so that you don't fall to pieces if you get a BFN month after month. Although it's the 'prepare for the worst, and hope for the best' theory (which seems to be my life motto at the moment) I think it makes sense. It takes a bit of the edge off in terms of pressuring yourself into making sure this month is 'the' month, and it also creates a mind set that you are planning something for the future and moving on with your life, rather than dwelling on it. So, I talked today to my Dr about when I should see him next cycle and how things would pan out - just so that I was totally prepared in the event I need to do all of this again next cycle.

Cramping has now actually eased up, but it was pretty bad for the last 24 hours or so. I will try and take my met with food tonight to try and aleviate the symptoms further and hope that it makes all the difference.

PS...

Just got off the phone from hubby. Called to let him know his results and that I had send them through to him. I had to tell him that now three of his results were below normal.

"Stop getting so upset" he said.

"Why?" I answered - "why should I pretend to be ok about this all when I'm obviously not? Aren't I allowed to be upset?!"

"Because every time you get upset it makes me feel more f*cked up!".

GOD I hate this. I wanted to scream down the phone that this is how I feel every single day. I wanted to make him understand and realise how emotionally, physically and mentally draning it is for me every single day to do what I do and how much time every single day I spend trying to make our chances better. So yeah - I AM upset when his results are still bad - not because I don't love him (just as I am sure it doesn't affect his feelings towards me with my fucked up body!) but that I am so frustrated with our situation. It still doesn't change that awful niggly feeling inside that makes me want to 'fix' everything and make all of our problems magically disappear.

The results are in (C5, CD21)

It's another see-saw result for hubby's analysis and it's getting so frustrating. Results came back as:

Volume 5.9ml
Count 14 mil (should be more than 20)
Motility 24% (should be more than 40%)
Mean velocity 46
Morphology 91% abnormal (should be under 85%)

I don't really know what to say. Morphology has improved, but motility and count are way way down. I don't understand it.

Our BD sessions didn't go as planned either. I will try and stay positive but common sense is telling me the odds of doing so are microscopic seeing as we didn't BD when we were supposed to.

To make things worse, I was completely resentful last night (and this morning). I know it's not anyone's fault that it didn't happen the way we wanted, but deep down all I could think about was that we had such a small window of opportunity and I had spent the whole cycle injecting myself, being poked, prodded and taking every medication under the sun and all he had to do was have sex!!! I was resentful thinking that I might now have to do this all over again, and added to that - this was one of our last natural cycles (could be the last depending on how long I take to ovulate next cycle) which means I will have to indure more pain and cost to move to further assisted conception (IUI/IVF).

Even by writing this, I feel horrible - but it's completely honest. I don't want to feel that way towards him as I don't want to think of 'using' him for his sperm. I love him to death, and I know that he is also disappointed and part of me wants to slap myself (and him!). I took an OPK this morning and I got 2 lines straight away so I know I am ovulating today so we will try again tonight. We'll give anything a shot I guess... after all, tonight could be the night!

In one word... (C5;CD19)

YAAAAAAAAY!!!

A huge whopper of a 18mm follie was waiting for me on this morning's scan. I could hardly contain my excitement when my Dr saw it on the screen, pointed his finger at it and smiled. He didn't have to say anything and I knew exactly what it meant (after all these internals, I should be a sonographer I'm so good at it!)

And, just our luck, hubby is working tonight even though Dr has told us try and time intercourse tonight and tomorrow. Time intercourse??? I mean, who says that?! That's the reality of it though - my Dr has to tell me when to jump my husband to get pregnant. So much for romance! I have to give myself a trigger injection tonight to bring about the final HCG surge, and I have another one scheduled tomorrow week for luteal phase support.

So, I am faking a migraine and coming home after lunch today just to ravage my husband!! What fun...! I'm so giddy with excitement I'm like a kid in a candy store... PLEASE let it be our month this month!

Testing, testing (C5;CD15)

I did get a phone call from hubby yesterday.

As soon as the phone rang I knew it couldn't be all bad news.

"Dr has given me at least another 6 weeks" he said. His levels had only gone up by 100 in the last 4 weeks, and he's got another 300 to play with (so to speak) so we (thankfully) have one natural cycle left which is a huge relief. Seems that every cloud has a silver lining (and in my case, as soon as the cloud clears - damn ovaries...)

Hubby is also now at the hospital having his semen analysis done again. After being off his meds for such a long time we're hoping with all hope that the results are better than last time. We won't know until next week however, so again - the waiting game, is what is going to do my head in.

I'm not at work today - I just couldn't face it. I am surprised at how I even made it through yesterday. I was in tears most of the day that I closed the door to my office so people couldn't see my puffy red eyes.

When I finally got home last night, I came in to see a double bunch of pink and orange tulips on the kitchen bench. I just burst into tears again (couldn't help it) and hubby walked in saying "No no no no no... they were supposed to make you happy!". Told him it was the sweetest thing he could have done for me, and he just held me for what seemed like an eternity.

So, now I'm up to a 100IU of Puregon daily, and praying it will make all the difference...

Sadness is ok too (C5;CD14)

Today I am allowing myself to be completely sad, devastated, numb and everything else that comes with this process.

I am allowing myself to feel the pain, to experience the sadness and not try and 'pretend' that I'm actually ok with everything and appear to be very strong about it.

I don't want to act like this process is just something that I have to do to be a mum.

I want to be selfish - damn it I think I've got a right to be. I don't want to be strong for the sake of others. Frankly, today is one of those days where I feel like I shouldn't have even gotten out of bed (and didn't want to). I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be sitting here writing this.

I took an OPK last night and knew there was no point going in for my scan today. I just knew. Instead, as a good patient I still went in for a scan this morning to my Dr who proceeded to poke, and prod, and push everything internally until 5 minutes later he uttered the words "Oh dear, it really doesn't look like anything is happening there, does it?"...

Hubby also has his specialist appointment today where we know the inevitable will happen. He'll be going back on his meds which means our only chance of conception (if my retarded body decides it will ever start working properly) will be IUI/IVF. Although I am holding on to the glimmer of hope that there may be some alternative, I think we both know that's not going to happen.

We spoke about it briefly last night knowing the pressure that was on both of us today. I don't even want to ring him to let him know how it all went, which I normally do. I don't want to tell him I've failed him again. I don't want to hear that disappointed "It's ok, it will all turn out fine" coming out of his mouth where I know deep down his heart is breaking into pieces. I know that he probably won't ring me after his appointment if all is not well - for the very same reasons. He won't want me to know straight away that our chances are getting slimmer by the day and I'm being pushed against my will into a world I never thought I would be a part of.

I remember back in school when I was about 13/14 - we had a visit from a woman who brought in her baby girl Tayla (a family friend of one of the girls in my class) in one of our 'science' lessons, who was conceived through IVF. I remember thinking how fascinating it all was, and how hard it must have been for them to go through it. At the time, I didn't even think that something like this could happen to me. At the time, it was just something that happened to 'other' people; people that had problems. I am surprised at how vividly I remember that class and I wonder now if I kept all of the information in my subconscious knowing I would need it some day. I don't know. It's all so surreal.

I'm not going to end on a high note today. To be honest, I don't know how long it will take me to reach that high point again and get back into that positive frame of mind - so today, I am going to cry, feel the emptiness inside and pray with all of my heart and soul that somehow, some way, things will all "turn out fine".

And up we go (C5;CD9)

Well, as I had expected, Dr does not think the dosage is right with me on 50IU for the injections, so I am now to go up to 75IU and rescan next Wednesday. The biggest follie was only 7mm and Dr was hopeful he would see something at least double that.

Stupid bloody ovaries...

It's funny how sometimes we just 'know' what's going on with our bodies even before we have the proof. I had always thought I had needed more than 50IU, but Dr is obviously cautious that when we do find the right amount, we don't want to end up with too many follicles which would mean a wasted cycle, or ovarian hyperstimulation - both not good.

So, back again next week and will try again - c'mon follies - grow, grow, grow...

Hell hath no fury... (C5:CD7)

...like a woman on Puregon!

My god - the mood swings, the lows, the tears; move over Halle, Gwenyth and Julia - this chicks definitely getting the oscar this year!