Sadness is ok too (C5;CD14)

Today I am allowing myself to be completely sad, devastated, numb and everything else that comes with this process.

I am allowing myself to feel the pain, to experience the sadness and not try and 'pretend' that I'm actually ok with everything and appear to be very strong about it.

I don't want to act like this process is just something that I have to do to be a mum.

I want to be selfish - damn it I think I've got a right to be. I don't want to be strong for the sake of others. Frankly, today is one of those days where I feel like I shouldn't have even gotten out of bed (and didn't want to). I don't want to be at work. I don't want to be sitting here writing this.

I took an OPK last night and knew there was no point going in for my scan today. I just knew. Instead, as a good patient I still went in for a scan this morning to my Dr who proceeded to poke, and prod, and push everything internally until 5 minutes later he uttered the words "Oh dear, it really doesn't look like anything is happening there, does it?"...

Hubby also has his specialist appointment today where we know the inevitable will happen. He'll be going back on his meds which means our only chance of conception (if my retarded body decides it will ever start working properly) will be IUI/IVF. Although I am holding on to the glimmer of hope that there may be some alternative, I think we both know that's not going to happen.

We spoke about it briefly last night knowing the pressure that was on both of us today. I don't even want to ring him to let him know how it all went, which I normally do. I don't want to tell him I've failed him again. I don't want to hear that disappointed "It's ok, it will all turn out fine" coming out of his mouth where I know deep down his heart is breaking into pieces. I know that he probably won't ring me after his appointment if all is not well - for the very same reasons. He won't want me to know straight away that our chances are getting slimmer by the day and I'm being pushed against my will into a world I never thought I would be a part of.

I remember back in school when I was about 13/14 - we had a visit from a woman who brought in her baby girl Tayla (a family friend of one of the girls in my class) in one of our 'science' lessons, who was conceived through IVF. I remember thinking how fascinating it all was, and how hard it must have been for them to go through it. At the time, I didn't even think that something like this could happen to me. At the time, it was just something that happened to 'other' people; people that had problems. I am surprised at how vividly I remember that class and I wonder now if I kept all of the information in my subconscious knowing I would need it some day. I don't know. It's all so surreal.

I'm not going to end on a high note today. To be honest, I don't know how long it will take me to reach that high point again and get back into that positive frame of mind - so today, I am going to cry, feel the emptiness inside and pray with all of my heart and soul that somehow, some way, things will all "turn out fine".