No change... (C3;CD17)

Why do I constantly feel like such a failure?

Was at my appointment for 7am this morning, and hoping for the best. Even though my previous OPKs weren't showing anything, I was hopeful that it was merely because I was drinking so much water lately that I was diluting my urine, and therefore reducing the effectiveness of the OPKs.

Not so...

No signs of ovulation. Endometrium lining is looking ok as normal - but that's irrelevant really when I'm not even ovulating. She said she wants me to come back again on Friday, although she's doubtful anything will happen, she just wants to make sure. If not, she's also ordered a blood test for me just to make sure we haven't missed ovulation somewhere along the way (yeah... right). Then, I'll get back onto the provera again to induce a period, and we'll start all over again... on my final cycle of clomid now up to 150mg day. That will be the last time they want me on it before they abandon that path and either move to injections or ovarian drilling.

After leaving completely heartbroken and crying my eyes out in the car before I drove into work, I just couldn't understand what I had done differently this cycle than last. Dr just said 'occassionally this can happen', but I knew it wasn't common. Of course it would happen to us - why not, just another hurdle to add to our ever growing list.

I have tried to remain as upbeat and positive about all of this as I can be. I really have. But it's times like this where I hit complete rock bottom and totally consume myself with thoughts of complete and utter desparation. I can't help it. My mind keeps wandering to how long this may go on... and even then, assuming they do get me ovulating on 150mg clomid, then what? What about hubby? Even then there's no guarantee my other bits will come to the party and play nice. And IVF (which is now looking more and more realistic as we go through it) - I almost can't bare to think what toll that would take both emotionally and financially. We'd probably have to sell the house if we needed extensive treatment... urgh - anyway...

This cycle I can pretty much write off. Even with the scan on Friday, it's just to appease Dr that nothing has been missed, and a blood test has been ordered as well just to make sure but we both know nothing is going to happen. Again, back to the waiting game...