12 week countdown (11w;6d)

I'm bleeding again...

Everytime it happens, I start to feel so helpless. I keep trying to convince myself that this may just be 'normal' for me, but it's so much easier said than done. How can you keep telling yourself that seeing bleeding every other week is 'normal'? There's obviously something wrong - as to whether it's threatening to the baby though, is another story, and one which I guess I will never know the answer to until this whole pregnancy is over.

I don't want to feel this way - I want to enjoy the pregnancy, and I want to treasure the miracle of life that is growing inside of me. But it's so hard for me to feel attached when every day I am running to the toilet to see if there is any more blood. It's hard when I feel like I have to tread lightly for fear of doing something to jeapordise the baby's health and that the bleeding is my body's way of telling me something isn't right. I absolutely hate it... and I hate feeling this way.

Yesterday, I met with one of my clients over lunch - the one I mentioned a while back that has a fertility following. She was talking to us about auras and how when she meets clients for the first time, she will know straight away whether or not she can help them as to whether the aura of their baby is present. If it's not, she tells them to go away and come back in 6 months. When she was telling us this, she looked straight at me, looked at my stomach as she was explaining, and then looked again and looked back at me. My heart stopped for a split second... if she is for real, and she can do what she says... did she know I was pregnant? I immediately felt this sense of calm wash over me, in a sense that if she did just pick up the aura of the baby, then maybe everything was ok and I didn't have to worry.

That's why, I guess - I was so, well, almost angry, that I started bleeding later that afternoon. I had felt so happy and so comfortable - like she was speaking to me (even if it was only a hypothetical). I am holding on to that feeling however, I can't even describe it. It was like she could see inside of me, very hard to explain.

I'm 12 weeks tomorrow (that elusive 12 week mark) and my NT scan is on Friday, after which if all goes ok, I'll be able to relax a lot more. It's a bit by bit process, and a big learning curve, and I just want to absorb all of the feelings, emotions and outcomes along the way.