To tell or not to tell (C4;CD3)

I told my parents a little while ago about the problems that hubby and I were experiencing.

That was a big step.

Whilst I would consider us 'close', when it comes talking about such an intimate part of your life, it is suprisingly difficult. I have always been confused as to why I haven't wanted to share this with people, especially with them. I am usually so open about things and have no problem in sharing the way I'm feeling with my friends. I pride myself on being a good listener with my friends, and try to provide them with good advice where they ask for it and be there for them when they need it to. I have kept this a closely guarded secret - even most of my closest friends don't even know what I am going through (which also doesn't help when they 'positively encourage' me to get pregnant and quick...). I wonder why I don't want to tell people, why it's so private to me.

Maybe it's because I don't want the 'Oh, you'll be fine' comments or the 'My best friend's auntie's cousin and her partner went through the same thing and they conceived so you will too'. Well, good on them, I'm happy for them. But those comments are the last thing I want to hear. Sometimes you just want to tell without wanting people to reassure you that it will all be ok. Sometimes you just do.

Maybe it's because I know they can't help me, and so what's the point in saying anything. It's not like they'll be able to instantly cure hubby and I and the battle still ahead. If not, then why tell?

Maybe it's because I don't want people feeling sorry for me. Maybe I like them thinking I'm a strong willed person and can do anything I put my mind to... just maybe. I don't like feeling like I'm a failure, and maybe I'm scared of what people would think if I told them what was wrong with me.

Maybe it's because at the back of my mind I still haven't fully accepted the reality of the situation we're in. Maybe I think if I tell people and I eventually fall pregnant, they'll tell me I never had anything to worry about. Do I fully comprehend and accept what is happening to us? Maybe not... maybe I am still in denial, hoping it is all a bad dream and will go away and then I will have no need to share the information because it was never 'there' to begin with. Maybe, although I say it over and over, I just haven't fully resigned myself to the fact that we may not have a biological child - no, I think I'm right. I don't think I have. The instant I wrote that, I almost wanted to change topics on myself, I didn't want to continue to think about it. That's a bad sign right? It's a sign I'm not dealing with this properly - but telling people isn't going to fix it... maybe it will... (no, keeping talking to yourself, THEN you'll be more sane!)

I have always been conscious of the fact that once you tell someone, you can never take it back. Once they know, they know. And this, more than anything, requires me to be very careful as to who I share that information with.

I think that's maybe why I find this journal so self satisfying. I am able to fully and unashamedly discuss everything I am feeling without ever having to feel guilty or 'wrong' about my feelings.

Maybe, that's how I have to deal with it...