In the beginning...

I never thought I'd start an online blog, but then again, it might be expected...

I was very conscious of keeping a diary when I was younger - I think I started my first one at age 8 and continued religiously right up until I was 18 or 19. Over the years, I have to admit that my fascination with how sad my life was soon wore out and I have barely written in there in the last few years, but maybe that is an indication of the fact that once I found DH, I had no need for a diary anymore. He was now my outlet of being able to talk things through with someone.

I start this blog however, for a completely different purpose. To document the trials and tribulations of our journey to make a baby... so here it is - The Baby Maker. Whether or not I ever choose to show these entries to anyone, I don't know - but I know for the moment I do need an outlet to be able to vent, cry, laugh and ponder about the process.

A little about us
We've been married for a couple of years now and decided last year that we would try to prepare to have children shortly.

The decision and what followed after came as a shock to our system.

Hubby has polycythemia rubra vera and his medication (Hydroxyurea) which is taken daily helps to manage his symptoms.

About a year back, DH had a semen analysis done at the request of his specialist who was writing a study on his condition. Fine, we thought. We weren't thinking of children then but knew his medication may have an effect, so thought it would be useful. His first test came up completely blank... as in no sperm. I was shocked... how could they not know this was a side effect? Was this permanent? Would we never be able to have children?

DH then stopped his medication for three months so that the specialist could see if that made any difference to his semen analysis. A very long three months that was. His first test we were told showed little improvement, so he went back for another one. His specialist called to say that it was all ok and his sperm results had come back as normal. We were so relieved, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders... a victory (or so we thought...) We immediately arranged to save his sperm so that we didn't have to go through this heart ache again - if we had good sperm, we wanted to keep it!

After this, about 12 months later we then both went to see his specialist around October 2005 to discuss about having children in the near future (we were thinking in about 12 months from then - last half of 2006).

October 2005
His specialist then said that it would be wise to start sooner rather than later, as given his condition, his life expectancy was going to be "shorter than average", and given he was already 39 years of age, his specialist had concerns about our proposed timelines.

His specialist also said that he didn't know what affect the medication would have on his long term (or short term for that matter) fertlity, so we would also have added problems there.

Well, that was the proverbial straw... as soon as he said the words "shorter than average lifespan" I completely lost it.

His doctor was very sure about not giving a range, and saying that hubby was very different as he contracted the condition at such a young age, so the prognosis data was based on people a lot older than him. Still, those words are of little comfort to a wife that knows the reality that her marriage is playing against the clock and she needs to savour every moment, and not sweat the small stuff too often.

We spoke about it at great length, all the while me trying to come to grips with what we had discussed with the specialist. It was all stuff I already knew - none of it was a surprise - but somehow at that meeting... I don't know, for the first time it just felt all the more real. Maybe it was because this was the first time we'd really decided on when we were going to start trying to have kids. Maybe I was just more sensitive that day (or any day when someone says that to you!).

We then decided we didn't want to wait anymore.

We realised we would already be fighting an uphill battle with hubby's reduced fertlity, so we may as well get a headstart. If we were to be blessed with a child, then we wanted to start sooner rather than later to hopefully save us a lot of heartache.

That was when I went off the pill and we started our TTC journey.

November 2005
As my cycles were irregular prior to going on the pill, I wasn't worried when I didn't get one for a month or two.

Normal, I thought (for me) and nothing to be too concerned about.

January 2006
I went to visit my Dr for a general check up, told her we were TTC. She knew of our history and hubby's as well. She asked about my periods and how long I had been off the pill. I told her but assured her it was fine, as that was the way they were before - nothing to worry about.

But the look on her face said it all.

She wanted to order some tests for me, which I agreed to, and went on my merry way.

February 2006
Soon after, I got a phone call from her telling me I had suspected PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Due to my blood test results, my weight, my irregular periods my whole life - it was all too obvious to her. By this stage I was worried, very worried. She wanted me to have another blood test that week, and go in for an internal ultrasound at my local hospital.

So, I did... and her suspicions were confirmed that both ovaries were very polycystic, and I certainly was not ovulating. In fact, she wasn't even sure I had ever ovulated at all given my extraordinarily long cycles as a teenager. Added to that, my left ovary was twice the size of the right one as well.

She suggested I go and see a fertlity specialist who also specialised in IVF (in case we needed to eventually go down that path). She said given hubby's issues also and the fact that he can only be off his medication for a short period at a time, we really needed to see someone to get help.

March 2006
I met with the specialist with hubby in March who went through my condition, hubby's condition and told us that it would be highly unlikely that we were ever going to conceive naturally.

That was the next blow to our system.

We asked what he meant by this... "but we had 'good' sperm saved back last year when he went off his medication," we told him.

That was when we discovered it wasn't a 'good' result at all.

In fact, it was quite the opposite. His results were:
Count - 30 million/ml,
Motility - 20%,
Mean velocity - 49 microns/sec,
Morphology - 94% abnormal (small or absent acrosomes).

All in all, medically defined as "VERY POOR".

I was devastated.

All of the anguish we went through, and then the elation at thinking it was all ok, was all for nothing. Turns out the specialist meant that everything was 'ok' in that hubby was producing sperm again. Pity he didn't actually READ the results to see they were far from normal...

Therefore, the first obstacle was obviously trying to get me to ovulate, but even once that hurdle was overcome, we then needed to factor in the problems with hubby as well.

Today
Today is my last day of Provera (to bring on a period) before I start on clomid. I last took the pill in November 2005 and haven't had a period since, so my specialist is hopeful that I will ovulate with this round of clomid. Only time will tell...

We've also signed up for formulas from Sharkey's Healing Centre online. We both started on our first dose last night. I've tried to convince myself mine tastes like celery juice and isn't too bad - well, it's not really, especially when you're taking it in some water to dillute the taste (and it's only 5ml twice a day, so I'll live) ... we've named it our Baby Juice!

At the end of the day, I don't really care how foul it may taste, if it helps any, I'll be thrilled.

Until next time...